Thursday, April 26, 2012

Cherry Lemonade

today has made me think of two sayings: "life is a bowl full of cherries" and "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". when i began this blog i was on a journey to seek out even the smallest things in life that brought me joy. during times of seeming despair, i would try to find one thing, just one little thing, that would allow me to hold on to hope. it has not been easy, but the results have been drastic. upon moving to san francisco in 2004, my life was not the awesome adventure i had imagined it would be. here i was, fresh out of college and ready to explore a brand new city. i was young and spunky (still spunky, by the way ... still young too) ;) and i had all the potential in the world. unfortunately, my potential and spunk came without a job. in those days, looking toward hope didn't seem possible. everywhere i turned there was negativity being poured into my life. there were people who actually wanted me to believe that life for me would not get better. it was by far the most horrible time in my life. i constantly felt like i was being handed lemons and i just did not give a crap about drinking lemonade. i wanted life to be a bowl full of cherries, but it was more like a bowl full of ... well, you know. the journey out of that darkness was a tough road. there has been a lot of pain, a lot of cutting toxic people out of my life and a whole lot of taking responsibility for myself. my mind is my own and i had given control to others, but that was my choice. i choose to allow those things to happen. once i reckoned with that, self-pity didn't allow me to dwell in my misery. since 2005 i have made an active decision to alter my thinking, reclaim my life, live into hope and take whatever comes my way with my potential, spunk and a newfound grace. obviously, that is a much larger and detailed story, which i will probably get to in other entries. however, today's is pretty simple. a few months back my boyfriend and i entered our names for the new york city marathon. it's a pretty big deal. they hold a lottery and only the people chosen get to run the race. i've toyed with the idea of running a half and a full marathon, but i'm not really a runner. i just thought it would be pretty dope to say i'd done it. i entered my name more as a support of him. he wanted this and i wanted it for him and if we could do it together ... even better. the results came out today ... i got in. i immediately text him reminding him to check his status. his reply back said he hadn't gotten in and asked i wanted him to check my account for me. i told him i got in. i felt a great sadness as i typed "i'm in." i thought, "this is stupid". i only wanted this because i wanted to do this with him. he was so happy for me. he thought it was great. i still wasn't convinced. my immediate thought process was, "why do these good things keep happening to me?" (lots of other awesome things have been going down in my life and i'm in a state of shock lately.) what was alarming about this thought process was the tone behind it was a creepy familiar one; one that implied i didn't deserve good things or i wasn't worthy of a good thing. ew. that stopped right there. here is what i know: i spent a lot of years wasting time thinking i wasn't worth much. i spent a lot of time telling myself and believing i was life's punching bag. and then i spent a lot of time realizing none of that is true. i believe i was created with purpose, value and gifts. i learned that i am not a punching bag, rather i'm a force to be reckoned with. life has not been perfect since my quest of looking to the little things has begun. i still get lemons, nasty ones too. as i was thinking over being chosen for the marathon i started to feel a bit of excitement. i would finally get to go to new york. i'd complete my goal of running a marathon by the time i'm 30. it started settling in me that this could be a great, unexpected gift on so many levels. as we walked around walgreens, i told my boyfriend that i felt bad because i had wanted this for him. if he had gotten in and i didn't, i would have been thrilled and just gong to NY as support or if we'd both been chosen we'd be running the race together. he agreed it was kind of funny that i'm the one who got in, but he thought it was a great opportunity. i said i felt bad because all these good things kept happening to me. of course, he laughed at me and said i didn't need to feel badly for that. as we were leaving the store i looked down ... yup, twenty bucks. life is simultaneously a bowl full of cherries and a lemon dispenser ... might as well make some cherry lemonade. all things in their own way, remind me that i was made for greatness and that i am worthy of receiving good and perfect gifts. warmth&blessings.