Cherry Lemonade

today has made me think of two sayings: "life is a bowl full of cherries" and "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade". when i began this blog i was on a journey to seek out even the smallest things in life that brought me joy. during times of seeming despair, i would try to find one thing, just one little thing, that would allow me to hold on to hope. it has not been easy, but the results have been drastic. upon moving to san francisco in 2004, my life was not the awesome adventure i had imagined it would be. here i was, fresh out of college and ready to explore a brand new city. i was young and spunky (still spunky, by the way ... still young too) ;) and i had all the potential in the world. unfortunately, my potential and spunk came without a job. in those days, looking toward hope didn't seem possible. everywhere i turned there was negativity being poured into my life. there were people who actually wanted me to believe that life for me would not get better. it was by far the most horrible time in my life. i constantly felt like i was being handed lemons and i just did not give a crap about drinking lemonade. i wanted life to be a bowl full of cherries, but it was more like a bowl full of ... well, you know. the journey out of that darkness was a tough road. there has been a lot of pain, a lot of cutting toxic people out of my life and a whole lot of taking responsibility for myself. my mind is my own and i had given control to others, but that was my choice. i choose to allow those things to happen. once i reckoned with that, self-pity didn't allow me to dwell in my misery. since 2005 i have made an active decision to alter my thinking, reclaim my life, live into hope and take whatever comes my way with my potential, spunk and a newfound grace. obviously, that is a much larger and detailed story, which i will probably get to in other entries. however, today's is pretty simple. a few months back my boyfriend and i entered our names for the new york city marathon. it's a pretty big deal. they hold a lottery and only the people chosen get to run the race. i've toyed with the idea of running a half and a full marathon, but i'm not really a runner. i just thought it would be pretty dope to say i'd done it. i entered my name more as a support of him. he wanted this and i wanted it for him and if we could do it together ... even better. the results came out today ... i got in. i immediately text him reminding him to check his status. his reply back said he hadn't gotten in and asked i wanted him to check my account for me. i told him i got in. i felt a great sadness as i typed "i'm in." i thought, "this is stupid". i only wanted this because i wanted to do this with him. he was so happy for me. he thought it was great. i still wasn't convinced. my immediate thought process was, "why do these good things keep happening to me?" (lots of other awesome things have been going down in my life and i'm in a state of shock lately.) what was alarming about this thought process was the tone behind it was a creepy familiar one; one that implied i didn't deserve good things or i wasn't worthy of a good thing. ew. that stopped right there. here is what i know: i spent a lot of years wasting time thinking i wasn't worth much. i spent a lot of time telling myself and believing i was life's punching bag. and then i spent a lot of time realizing none of that is true. i believe i was created with purpose, value and gifts. i learned that i am not a punching bag, rather i'm a force to be reckoned with. life has not been perfect since my quest of looking to the little things has begun. i still get lemons, nasty ones too. as i was thinking over being chosen for the marathon i started to feel a bit of excitement. i would finally get to go to new york. i'd complete my goal of running a marathon by the time i'm 30. it started settling in me that this could be a great, unexpected gift on so many levels. as we walked around walgreens, i told my boyfriend that i felt bad because i had wanted this for him. if he had gotten in and i didn't, i would have been thrilled and just gong to NY as support or if we'd both been chosen we'd be running the race together. he agreed it was kind of funny that i'm the one who got in, but he thought it was a great opportunity. i said i felt bad because all these good things kept happening to me. of course, he laughed at me and said i didn't need to feel badly for that. as we were leaving the store i looked down ... yup, twenty bucks. life is simultaneously a bowl full of cherries and a lemon dispenser ... might as well make some cherry lemonade. all things in their own way, remind me that i was made for greatness and that i am worthy of receiving good and perfect gifts. warmth&blessings.

hope: more than just obama's favorite word

What can we learn from people with joy?

I sat and stared at my professor. One, probably because it was 8:30ish in the morning and I was still adjusting to the fact that the new semester, had indeed, begun. Second, I started to believe more deeply than ever that my newly found joy in finding joy was not a mere coincidence. This quest is far greater than me just turning my frown upside down and rallying others to do so as well. No, this is truly as bad as I thought. A mass majority of people are living in a mere state of existence, not truly feeling anything. Others are living below the emotional poverty line and only feeling despair, suffering, sadness, and sorrow to some varying degree.

Where did the joy go? Have we been robbed? Or have we become bitter and cynical all on our own?

I believe that when we receive joy, good news, and happiness or feel content with our lives, we find ourselves under attack. But who is doing the attacking? For Christians, most would say they are being attacked by the enemy. As I do believe this is true, I also believe we attack ourselves. After awhile, our minds become so used to the attacks that it manipulates its way into our mode of thinking. We actually begin to allow our minds to repeat these negative messages, conspiracy theories, insecurities, fears and anxieties all our own.

It all comes back to us. At the end of our day … no, scratch that … at EVERY point of our day, we are responsible for our actions and reactions, thoughts and words. Example, I had an ordinary day yesterday. Nothing really super extraordinary but nothing on the opposite end of that spectrum either. Until the evening. I found myself in a less than desirable circumstance with someone I love. Their response to me was irrational and unjustified. I found myself containing the reaction that I wanted to give, which, in the end was rewarding, but as you know, suppressing that which we desire to do is not easy in the moment or even the few hours or days that come after that.

I allowed myself to feel what I needed to, as unpleasant as it was. I went through all the emotions by myself, anger, hurt, frustration, pride, etc. Now, I could have sat there all night and said, see that’s what I get, I try to help someone and they lash out. I should give up. Or, they did this and said that and it was not right. They are wrong! I should have done this and that or said this. Now, I’m human, I’m not going to lie. I started to go through that mental process. I even went as far as saying, see, things are going well in my life and Satan comes up and tries to ruin everything.

That’s where I stopped. I had been saying all these things in my own head. I was the one telling myself these things. I was the one perpetuating these lies. I stopped. I thought. I called my mentor. I realized that no, the person was not right. But, what had I done that was wrong? How had I conducted myself in a way that was not right? What could I have done and what can I do now to rectify the situation?

Part of me says, screw that … they need to apologize, they need to fix it, they were wrong. But I am not responsible for them. So thinking of everything they need to do is not going to help me be free of the sadness that was trying to overpower me. I had to choose to rise above the situation. I had to choose to accept it for what it was, a moment of time that was unpleasant and hurtful. I dealt with my emotions and the choices were laid before me:

1) continue to live in the hurt and anger
2) choose to forgive (even without and apology) and allow myself to once again think on pure, true, love and praiseworthy things

Choosing the first option is easier. I mean, truly. It’s so easy to sink into our feelings, they are ours, and we feel them deeply. But the second is work. It is reaching out, above, beyond, past and through what we are feeling. It is grasping and reaching out for the lovely to pull us from the ugliness.

The good news is that the lovely is there. It is attainable. It will do what it promises to do. It will lift us up out of our despair and put us into the light where what we seek can be found. From experience, I have discovered that sometimes coming into the light doesn’t immediately solve my problems. Sometimes there is residue left over. But the more I stay out of the darkness of sorrow, the more I am able to see the excellent and praiseworthy.

I am still in the midst of this situation. But today has been a day of adventure and laughter. And cramps. Which, that is not lovely, but at least I had a clear day to be able to just lie down and get the rest I needed. I will not give up living my life just because something went in a direction I did not expect. Big or small, I can still find something that gives me hope that the situation will somehow be worked out or resolved.

Ask yourself today; what is the lovely that is attached to the ugliness? Where is the branch of peace that is being extended to me? What can I do to change my thought patterns?

Isaiah 40: 29 – 31
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

joy : the verb

There is an epidemic sweeping our nation. It is not a new plague, but rather, one that we have allowed to infect our mass population. It is not H1N1, HIV/AIDS, it is not cancer and it is not a disease that is without a cure. In fact, this deadly disease has a remedy, but we have become lazy in taking the proper procedures that would prevent us from contracting the virus. We have become neglectful in taking the proper medication to rid us of this nasty infection.

Yes, I’m talking about complaining.

Harmless as it seems, complaining is a slow and sure death trap. It slowly begins to contaminate our brain causing us to change our outlook on life and our present circumstances through moldy, green colored glasses. Once the disease has overtaken the brain, it quickly spreads to the heart. The heart and the mind can no longer function as a cohesive pair. There is a communication breakdown in the nervous system that does not allow messages to be sent through a clear channel between the two. Wants and needs become mixed up which causes the response to these thoughts to become irrational or, often times, unmet. Motives become unclear. Life transforms into a vile foe that is out to laugh at us, or worse, destroy us.

I suppose this would be the appropriate time to give a personal admission; I too suffer from this disease. I have hidden it away, allowing it to consume me in devastating ways. Shamefully, I have not come forward and told my story. But as I have looked around, I have seen that many suffer from the affliction. My heart began to weep for what we were missing out on. Life is not our enemy, life is our gift. It is our opportunity to live it to the full. But it is not merely just these things, more so, it is a promise given to us by Jesus.

I have begun treatment for the sickness and have found that the darkness inside is being shined out by a great light; a light of hope and gratefulness. The cure? Simple. It is finding the joy in all things. It is being content, whatever the circumstance. It is finding whatever is lovely, and true, and praiseworthy and admirable and thinking on these things.

For me, my recovery has consisted of a small but greatly effective exercise. Each day I find something to be excited about. Mostly, it has been in the little things. When added together, these small joys bring a great joy that becomes a mighty force against the symptoms of complaining.

This is my road to recovery. This is my story of finding great joy in the little treasures that each day holds. This is my life’s adventure in which I find a place beyond complaining. This is my quest to capture the small and glorious gems that this life hides throughout each day for me to find and store in my treasure chest, that is, my heart.

My inspiration comes from Philippians 4: 8

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."